cave johnson

“ Just a heads up: that coffee you had earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and verify the frontal lobe... Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction. ”

“ I've been notified that one of our test subjects may have angered the sentient cloud by beginning testing early. Now, as you all know, the cloud has banned all camera technology -hates getting its picture taken... ”

“ All these science spheres are made of asbestos all the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart-stopping. Because that is not part of the test. That's asbestos...Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into a calculator, it makes a happy face. ”

“ The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I ought to make these prerecorded messages... ”

“ I'm Michigan Slim Cave Johnson. I'm The hobo King. ”

“ Hey, it's Cave. Someone's not daaaanciiiing. Come on. You know the law- testing is not a dance exemption. Don't make me call the dance police. ”

“ Greetings, friends. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of aperture science - you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate hearings on missing Astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the products we invited but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us... ”

“ The point is, If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the Engineers to invent that out right now. Brain mapping artificial intelligence- we should have been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. ”

“ Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts. ”