100 Funniest George Costanza Quotes From Seinfeld

Jason Alexander played the character of George Costanza in the American television comedy show 'Seinfeld,' which was telecasted from 1989 to 1998.

George Costanza is a slow-witted and short person with a bald head.  He begins his career as a real estate agent at the New York Yankees.  

He later works at a rest stop supply company, a publishing company, a playground-equipment company, and an industrial smoothing company. Mostly, he is fired from his job on several occasions. He also gains experience as a sitcom writer in season four.  While helping Jerry Seinfeld with the concept for a 'show about nothing' for the NBC  executives, George meets Susan Ross NBC of the executive. His dream job is that of an architect. The comedian Ricky Gervais referred to George Costanza's character as 'the greatest sitcom character of all time.'

Here are some of the  George Costanza quotes from the sitcom 'Seinfeld' - which broke the record in TV history. If you are looking for such more funny quotes, you may check out the latest from ['Seinfeld' quotes] and Kramer quotes.

Episode 13 of season seven shows that George Costanza wants to name his future child 'Seven,' with his fiancee Susan, which she is not ready to do. 'Seven' became the most popular name in the recent past.

1."You know, if you take everything I’ve accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."

– George Costanza.

2."If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They’d have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin."

– George Costanza.

3."George Costanza: What gives you pleasure?

Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I’m on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure"

– 'Seinfeld'.

4. "Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"

– George Costanza.

5."You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me."

– George Costanza.

6."The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli..."

– George Costanza.

7. "You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."

– George Costanza.

8."Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with them!"

– George Costanza.

9."When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy."

– George Costanza.

10."I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?"  

– George Costanza.

11."If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all."

– George Costanza.

12."I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."

– George Costanza.

13."Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents"

–George Costanza.

George Costanza's character was nominated many times for different awards from 1992 onwards, and finally won 'The American Comedy Award for the Funniest Supporting Male Performer' in a TV Series.

14."He fires people like it's a bodily function!"

–George Costanza.

15."My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong."

- George Costanza.

16."There is no bigger loser than me!"

– George Costanza.

17."I'm speechless. I have no speech."

–George Costanza.

18."Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move."

– George Costanza.

19."What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything."

- George Costanza.

20."I'd rather be dating the blind."

– George Costanza.

21."I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

-George Costanza.

22."I have never been anyone's type"

- George Costanza.

23."You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat'."

- George Costanza.

24."I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

– George Costanza.

25."What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there."

– George Costanza.

26."Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage."

– George Costanza.

In 'Subway,' George likes to experiment with his clothes, and hence he is color-coded as per his mood.

27."Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"

– George Costanza.

28."This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her."

– George Costanza.

29."I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting."  

– George Costanza.

30."For I am Costanza…lord of the idiots"

– George Costanza.

31."I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party."

– George Costanza.

32."Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it."

– George Costanza.

33."Just let me ask you something. Is it ‘FebRUary’ or ‘FebUary’? Because I prefer ‘FebUary,’ and what is this ‘ru’?"

– George Costanza.

34."I gotta tell ya, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen."

– Cushman (to George Costanza.)

35."Do you know what I’ve come to realize? I’m not just bored. I genuinely dislike her."

-George Costanza.

36."Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don’t move back to lunch. It’s like being demoted."

– George Costanza.

37."If it wasn’t for the toilet, there would be no books."

– George Costanza.

38."I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?"

– George Costanza.

39. "I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure."

– George Costanza.

'Seinfeld' is a show that gives us some very humorous quotes.  Here are a few of the best George Costanza quotes that cheer up your mood.

40."George: I gotta call Elaine.

        Jerry: She’s out.

        George: Oh, yeah. The blind date.

       Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers."

- 'Seinfeld'.

41."Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?"

– Jerry Seinfeld.

42."If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

– Jerry Seinfeld.

43."That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

– Jerry Seinfeld.

44."I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."

– George Costanza.

45."Why does everything have to be ‘us’? Is there no ‘me’ left? Why can’t there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?"

– George Costanza.

46."You’re killing independent George!"

– George Costanza.

47."I’m busting, Jerry! I’m busting!"

– George Costanza.

48."A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It’s absolutely brilliant."

– George Costanza.

49."My dream is to become hopeless."

– George Costanza.

50."I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing!"

– George Costanza.

51."I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate, I’ve got it all!"

– George Costanza.

52."If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh."

– George Costanza.

53."I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day."

– George Costanza.

54."People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live."

– George Costanza.

55."A George divided against itself cannot stand!"

– George Costanza.

56."Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me."

– George Costanza.

George Costanza was nominated for many awards, but nothing materialized.  He jokes about himself in a way that we find hilarious. Here are some of his best quotes.

57.“What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are, everything.”

– George Costanza

58."Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!"

– George Costanza.

59."Like I don’t know I’m pathetic."

– George Costanza.

60."Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know."

– George Costanza.

61."I happen to dress based on mood."

– George Costanza.

62."A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her."

– George Costanza.

63."I can’t carry a pen."

– George Costanza.

64."(Singing on his answering machine): Believe it or not, George isn’t at home, / Please leave a message at the beep. / I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone, / Where could I be? / Believe it or not, I’m not home."

– George Costanza.

65. "Well, the jerk store called, they’re running out of you."

– George Costanza

66."All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!"

– George Costanza.

67.“She thinks I’m a nice guy. Women always think I’m nice, but women don’t like nice….Why is nice bad?

– George Costanza

68."Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea."

– George Costanza.

69."Me too! And he's dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George!"

– George Costanza.

70."This is not good. Worlds are colliding. GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!"

– George Costanza.

71. "Please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."

– George Costanza.

72. "I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail."

– George Costanza.

73."You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect."

– George Costanza.

74."I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

– George Costanza.

75."Jerry: Who's Cartwright?

George: I'm Cartwright!

Jerry: You're not Cartwri-

George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood."

- 'Seinfeld'.

76. "But you are, Blanche! You are in the shackles!"

– George Costanza.

77. "Articulate—me? I’ve never articulated anything, I’m completely incoherent."

– George Costanza.

78."Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"

– George Costanza.

79."Oh, noooooo! I'm so sorry, it's the moops! The correct answer is 'the moops."

– George Costanza.

80."Oh, no, thanks. I can’t drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up."

– George Costanza.

81."Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody’s house, the families go to war."

– George Costanza.

82."I don’t trust men in capes."

– George Costanza.

83."Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year"

– George Costanza.

84."We have watched you take our beloved yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock!"

– George Costanza.

85."If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me."

– George Costanza.

86. "Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread."

– George Costanza.

87."How's this for criticism? You stink. How do you like that criticism?"

– George Costanza.

88."It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation."

– George Costanza.

89."Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother."

– George Costanza.

90."Because I snubbed her. Do you see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub."

– George Costanza

91."I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow."

– George Costanza.

92."You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten."

– George Costanza.

93."George Costanza: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.

Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on."

– 'Seinfeld'.

94."I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go."

– George Costanza.

95."I left three messages. I can't believe this woman."

– George Costanza.

'Laughter is the best medicine,' as the saying goes. If you want to name a show that keeps your spirits elated or the one that draws a smile on your face when you watch with a friend or a girlfriend, on a weekend or on vacation, you could go for 'Seinfeld.' It would leave you saying, 'Man, that's got me laughing!'

96."Was that the opposite of what you were going to say or was that just your natural instinct?"

– Elaine Benes.

97."You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it."

– Jerry Seinfeld.

98."George: Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?

Elaine: We don't walk that fast."

- 'Seinfeld'.

George meets a woman on the street, who notices his hands, and comments that his hands are fit for 'hand modeling.'  These quotes are part of the incident.

99."Let me tell you something. A man without a hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves."

– George Costanza.

100."Alright! Please, please I can not have this constant bickering!... Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."

– George Costanza.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for George Costanza Quotes then why not take a look at Larry David quotes and funny tv quotes.