john mulaney

“ Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. ”

“ I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ”

“ I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. ”

“ For those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on. ”

“ I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away ”

“ If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. ”

“ As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter... With my friends, I was still an extrovert. ”

“ You ever seen on 'Americas Most Wanted' when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like 'This is what he would look like now'. ”

“ Its nice when youre nervous and everybodys like, 'Yeah, you should be nervous.' Because a lot of times youre anxious and people say, 'Relax. Shut up.' And that just feels like, Well, I guess Im also crazy. ”

“ It's 100% easier not to do things than to do them. ”